Courage for the calling By Roman Harris

I sat there, waiting patiently for the waiter to approach me. It was the second time I had eaten at this restaurant and today was busier than the last, which meant patience was necessary. The waiter finally approached and asked “Black Coffee?” in a way that suggested he knew that’s what I wanted. I think he remembered me from the first time I ate there. I answered “Yes please” then went on to order two pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon and maple syrup, my final dirty breakfast before returning to London and my normal routine. I watched him move around the restaurant, laughing and joking with diners, clearing and cleaning tables, taking orders and delivering food and I thought to myself, I could fly back to London, return two weeks later and he’d probably still be there, chatting with the same customers, collecting the same pay cheque, paying the same bills, smiling and frowning at the same things. I could return, sit at the same table and he’d approach me once again and ask “Black coffee?” maybe with a little less confidence this time, but not much would have changed for him and in truth, not much would have changed for me either because our lives are all rather similar.

I’ve been gone for two weeks and while I’ve had a break from my normal routine and experienced new things, I’m sure the lives of those I know back in the UK have been much the same. I’m sure they too have been getting up for work, paying the same bills, smiling and frowning at the same things and soon enough I’ll be joining them. I am not above anyone in this…whatever “this” is. Trust me, I’m right in it with you. The thing is, I’m sure deep down none of us really want “this” we all want to break free of this cycle we find ourselves in, some of us find new jobs or new career paths, others move to a new city or a new country seeking something different, but after a while that different becomes the norm and we find ourselves in a routine, albeit in a new office, location or time zone. So, if we want to be free, how do we “get free?” Maybe the only way to truly be free is to give it all up, to give up our desire to move, our desire to change, our desire for things, to turn our back on the ways of the world, to want for nothing but to be content with all we have, maybe that’s the only way…maybe…Black coffee anyone?

So, back to my dirty breakfast. Pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon and maple syrup! Hell, I was raised a vegetarian. What am I doing??? The eggs were cracked to form part of the ingredients for my pancakes, then more eggs were cracked to make my scrambled eggs and the pig was killed to make my bacon. So, effectively I ate about 4 unborn chickens and some pig with syrup! These were my honest thoughts after consumption. When you look at it that way it’s just not as appetising. Now I’m not Greta Thunberg 2.0, I’m just a guy that was having a serious thought about what I just put in my body. I am not trying to convert, shock, chastise or even educate any fellow meat eaters and note I said “fellow”, because I’m yet to fully commit to a life without it, ultimately, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know, but I had to ask myself…why am I eating this? And the only conclusion I could come to is because, well, I wanted to, but is that a good enough reason? In this life, we all have to make decisions. We make them every day, but a lot of the time we make them for ourselves, it’s either because WE want to or don’t want to, but I genuinely believe that if we don’t start making decisions for the sake of others and for this planet then we can’t complain when shit gets real and it’s pretty real at the moment. It’s up to you to decide how much you’re willing to change for this earth we live on, but changing nothing isn’t an option…Well, it is, but then we’ll all be screwed so…yeah…let’s change something…at least give it some thought…you know? Cool!

I was listening to the radio recently heard a news story that said the Indian Prime Minister has declared India ‘open-defecation free’. It’s not that I was taken aback by this story, as I am well aware of the slums in India and the poor conditions many live under, but it did make me think about all the different worlds that exist here on earth. On one hand, there’s us in the west and for most of us we’ve had toilets all our whole lives and on the other hand there are people in India who for entire lifetimes have been defecating in the open. That’s a problem. Throughout my life I have relieved myself on trains, airplanes, friend’s houses, even buses (with toilets of course) and with the pull of a handle, a chain or these days even a sensor, I have watched my problems just flush away, but for some people in India, that’s a lot of problems just sitting there, day after day. Sometimes we really don’t realise how lucky we are. 

I arrived back into London safely and had a few days spare before I would be returning to work. When I got home I decided to weigh myself, before leaving for Canada I was about 75kg, however, I came in at 79.5kg. I’d put on a whole 4.5kg. That Poutine was weighing heavy on me. The heaviest I’ve ever been is 89kg, this was back when I was 25. It was at this time I decided I had to get fit and healthy, so worked my ass off with diet and exercise to get down to 75kg. The lightest I’ve ever been, apart from when I was a new born, is 70.5kg but I tend to remain around the 74-75kg mark, so to be 79.5kg was not good. I decided I had to do something and fast, so I got back into the gym that day and have decided that exercising little and often exercise will be my way forward and I am currently trying out intermittent fasting where the diet is concerned. Watch this space.

That evening as I went for a walk I was crossing the road and saw a young lady walking towards me, she took out her phone and snapped a picture of the sky. I couldn’t help but turn around and have a look myself. It was absolutely amazing. I had to take a picture too. I found myself thinking had I not been looking up to observe my surroundings and seen her take a picture of the sky I may have missed this opportunity to do the same. I guess sometimes it pays to look up.

Exercise is a great thing, it can help to put you in a positive frame of mind but sometimes the weight of the world feels like it is on your shoulders and even exercise doesn’t help. Just two days into my return to the UK this is how I was feeling. I was really low and thought that maybe doing something I enjoy would be a good idea, so I registered to perform at a comedy night in North London. As the day progressed I felt more and more like I wasn’t prepared to leave my bed, let alone my apartment. I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone but I reached out to a comedy friend of mine and asked whether he ever performs when he’s feeling low and he told me that it’s the best thing you can do and one should use the gig as a haven. I wasn’t convinced and thought staying in bed would be the better option but somehow, I decided to go and it was truly worthwhile. Just to perform, to speak and interact with other people. It lifted my spirit immensely. I received compliments from others about my set and it made me feel as though maybe I’m doing something right. It really was what I needed.

I ended this week on the phone with a fellow creative who is in a similar situation to myself. We both have that burning desire and passion for art and performance but also have those worldly responsibilities that require us to have a steady job. We spoke for a while about this and that and the idea that maybe we should both just focus on what we have and seek to be the best we can be in our current field of work, but for people like us that will never be enough, because deep down we know that there’s something else, that there’s another calling for us and it’s something you just can’t bury. To be able to create is a blessing and to not express such a talent is a crime. I just find myself asking the question, what would it look like to be all in? To just throw everything into it, sink or swim. Is that what will be required of me? Do I have the courage for the calling? I guess time will tell but for now I just have to keep believing and keep striving.  

I hope you all enjoyed the read. Thanks for taking the time and I hope that your week ahead is a great one.

Take care until.

Roman Harris